34 anti-patriarchal resolutions for my 34th year
Forget New Year resolutions, this year is about me
Something a little different, something a little personal
Deviating from the medieval history/feminism intersection a bit here.
Birthdays have a way of forcing reflection upon us. Ruminating on how well we’ve spent our time and how we’d like to invest the remaining time in the future. I’ve never been keen on setting New Year resolutions, as it never feels like a renewal but more of a continuation. Aging as a woman, however, feels like a middle finger to the patriarchy, so that I will celebrate. That I will resolve to do better.
So, here are this year’s 34 anti-patriarchal resolutions for my 34th year on our beautiful Mother.
34: Shutting up and listening.
So much can be learned if we seek to understand others. So much can be learned if we choose to listen instead of share. So much can be learned if we choose to listen to those that have been intentionally marginalized and ignored.
33: It’s OK to be selfish.
As a woman, I have been socially conditioned to sacrifice for those around me. To chip away at myself to ensure they are whole. This year I will be selfish in all of the ways that bring me joy and pleasure.
32: Men suffer at the hands of the patriarchy, too.
I will approach my relationships with the men in my life in a trauma informed way. The patriarchy is hurting our brothers, too. As women, as feminists, we tend to look at our own insular pain at the hands of men and often forget that the patriarchy is predicated on men’s pain. None of us are free until all of us are free.
31: I will tell people to ‘google it.’
Too many times I’ve been trapped into sharing knowledge from assuming a good faith question being asked. I will trust my intuition and assert a boundary if I feel my time is being taken advantage of.
30: Clothes were meant to fit my body, not the other way around.
I will not let the infantile system of US women’s sizing sway my own understanding and recognition of my self-worth. If a pair of pants doesn’t fit, I will buy bigger ones.
29: No one knows me like I know me, therefore I will communicate my needs.
I will not assume the folks around me are mind readers, if I have a need that requires attention, I will vocalize it. Too often we see direct communication as a form of rudeness, but that is because the patriarchy thrives when we are too scared to speak, when we are too distracted to know ourselves. Tone policed into submission and meekness.
28. A commitment of sustainability.
White supremist capitalist patriarchs will destroy our Mother if we allow them. I will continue doing my part in leading a sustainable life and casting my voice/vote for those that prioritize climate control.
27. No is a full sentence.
And an explanation isn’t required.
26. Grow your own garden.
Spending time my way will be a requirement in this 34th year. I will continue spending time in my garden, reading, writing, laughing, and enjoying a well packed bowl of medicinal herb.
25. Yelling is tantamount to violence.
I will protect my peace and assert a boundary if someone in my life feels the need to raise their voice to me. My daughter deserves to know the identifiers of an unsafe environment.
24. Sit with it.
As my teacher Dr. Chelsea Jackson Roberts said tonight during a glorious flow, “I will get to know myself. I will sit with myself.” I commit to further practice moments of mindfulness throughout my days. I will not fear the shadows in my brain, I will open my arms and greet them as an old friend, reading each new chapter of humanness.
23. I will not shame my struggle.
The patriarchy is a succubus of shame. It feeds off our feeling of unworthiness. I will not feed the beast. I will not feel shame for what is human. Mother Earth made me and I reflect her beauty.
22. When in doubt, dance it out.
Though the rhythm gods did not bless me, I will find moments to move my body in ways that fuels it.
21. Community.
The patriarchy wants us to be isolated. There is a reason the party staunchly fighting to maintain patriarchal control also despises “15 minute cities.” If we are isolated, we are less likely to see our commonalities, our intersections, our shared joy. I commit to further investing into my circle of influence.
20. Take up space.
I will not shy away from existing. I will honor the women before me by asserting my agency.
19. It’s OK to ask for help.
‘To protect and provide,’ the patriarchal motto, relies on the aforementioned isolation and subsequent suffering. Needing accommodations does not make me less worthy, less valuable, less human.
18. Thou shalt not gatekeep.
Education and resources will only ever be equitable if the voices of the most marginalized are continually uplifted. It does not rest on their shoulders to fix the mess they did not make, we will honor the time and energy given to further the learning of the many and support the raising of the collective consciousness.1
17. Celebrate the small things.
Every day will be a celebration. Every moment I get to be here, experiencing this life, will be valued.
16. Beauty is not pain.
I will shed the mentality of my mother to ensure my daughter doesn’t shrink herself to fit into the societally accepted version of herself.
15. I’m worth it.
I will invest in myself. Purpose and passion will continue to be pillars of my life.
14. Empathetic honesty.
Reiterating a message I need for myself: direct communication is not rude. Communicating honestly with empathy will create the foundation to achieve personally-fulfilling prosperity.
13. Stepping away from what isn’t right.
The non-profit world left a trauma upon me that is still healing, but what I did firmly learn about myself during a tumultuous two years is that I will not align myself with white saviorism or the further hurt of marginalized peoples. I will not be complicit. I will also not be silent.
12. Using my privilege.
As a white woman, I posses unearned privilege. I will sit in the discomfort that is the reality that I have absolutely caused harm in this world and will allow that discomfort to be a testament to the unimaginable pain experienced.
11. Impact, not intention.
I will be defined by the actions I took, not the words I spoke.
10. May peace be with you.
And with me. Peace will be practiced.
9. Trauma informed living
Our lived paradigms are what allows us to all experience our traumas uniquely, even if they are much the same. I will honor your paradigm and bear witness to your experience.
8. Learning is a love language.
I will no longer hold shame for the deep love I have for learning. I will no longer hold shame for my disgustingly delightful plague and medieval history obsession. I will value what is learned and honor my teachers.
7. In. Out.
The breath is healing. Life is lived amongst the inhalations and exhalations.
6. The power of the pause.
My words are important, but they may not need to be heard in that moment. I will honor the mental burden my words may carry and choose to share them wisely.
5. Harmful consumption.
I will not consume content that is actively seeking to oppress myself or others.
4.Speak Up.
Due to my unearned privilege, I have access to utilize my voice in ways others do not. I will use my voice.
3. A slow life is a life lived.
I will be present for life’s moments. This may be the only time I get to bask in the glory of the Mother’s beauty, I intend to witness it. I will wear my grey hairs like a crown of flowers weaved just for me.
2: I will seek joy and pleasure.
The patriarchy has minimized, erased, and beaten the joy and pleasure from my fore-mothers. I will sit in my pleasure and laugh until my lungs require aide. I will witness my joy and cry as the weight of it moves me through this universe.
1: I will unabashedly love the hell out of myself.
I will bathe in the well of self-love. Deep will be the love I radiate for I can not love well until I love my self wholly to my core.
I would not be the human I am today without the teachings of others, in this instance:
bell hooks, a will to change
bell hooks, all about love
Liz Plank, For the Love of Men
Frederick Joseph, Patriarchy Blues
Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, Dr Joy DeGruy
Gender Talks, Dr. Johnnetta Betsch Cole and Beverly Guy-Sheftall
Entertaining Race, Michael Eric Dyson
I loved this, 😭😩 thank you🫶 so much for sharing
YES! So many times YES